Longing

This week has been full of lots of longing... I miss Renee. I long to pick up the phone and call her, to hear her voice, her laugh, her opinions, even her silence. To pick her up at the airport and have cheesecake. To talk to her about life. I think in those last couple months I was too scared, too cowardly to talk about anything of real importance and now I wish I could have asked her what she was feeling, how she was doing in her head, in her heart. It comes up so much more when I sit down and think about her, when I look at pictures and remember her laugh.

I have talked to Karyn and Monique several times in the last couple weeks. It seems there is so much going on. We had a phone call together last week when Monique was in Jordan with Karyn. We've had many FB conversations this week over a book being made about Renee. We were hesitant, after all this was the girl we loved so fiercely and miss everyday. How could someone who didn't know her interpret her and get it right? We had so many fears about trusting this writer with our memories. To me it felt like we were giving the part of our hearts that held our love for Renee to this author without knowing if she would get it "right"... But then we found out more about this author. When I read about her I felt like this was someone who seemed like a girl after Renee's heart. Someone with common experiences and loves. She just might be okay.

So I poured out that part of my heart and mind that holds my love for Renee into words. I wrote until I could write no more. Tears pouring down my face, a refreshing change, a healing change. I wrote about her loves and quirks, her passion and her hope. Renee from my eyes. And what I got in response from the author calmed my fears. This author had never met Renee, but when I got an email back from her it felt as if it was right, her soul was so passionate much like Renee's. It felt as if she could really understand Renee. She wrote how my tribute had brought her to tears... but her response to me brought me to tears as well. It felt as if we could really trust that our memories were in good hands.

Renee died almost seven months ago and at the time my heart ached but there were almost no tears. I lived in that sense of denial and shock for the first while, I wanted to feel but yet I did not allow myself to. I find myself still in shock sometimes, like it can't possibly be true. But it is. This week the tears have flowed. It seems as if the fear that was holding them back has crumbled. My heart has gotten to the point where I am allowing myself to feel and I am no longer numb. There were so many people who loved her so much, she was a great friend and had great friends. I am looking forward to seeing how this book is formed, how all those memories will be turned told. We will have to wait and see. Although we will never get to talk to her again, we may get to see her in a new light as the story of her life is told.

The last line of the tribute I sent to the author was-

She was hope, she was love and she was the smile that we'll never forget.