Well if you are my friend on FB you may have noticed that my status last night was less then inspiring. It was downright depressing, but that's how I felt. Last night I was feeling very lonely and depressed after Steve fell asleep. My smile and optimism were broken at best.
If you stop reading right here I will never know. That's the thing about blogs.
I felt last night like I've been trying so hard to be positive and optimistic. About life in general and about some specific things. Like our quest for a house. I feel like I've been singing a false hope tune for two years now as I have believed we would have enough at the end of the month to save and put in our down-payment fund but I was only fooling myself. Even now it feels like we are so far away from our goals. I feel useless because I accepted a half-time position and there is no morning subbing opportunities to be found. I feel like I'm running around in circles and getting no closer to our goal. I feel so much pressure being in a room with another teacher who spends way more time there then I do.
I wish, and I long for someone who lived near by that would be to me like Karyn and Monique. They are too far away for a coffee, or a quick phone call. And as much as I wish that situation would change, it is simply not reality. I can not wish them back for my own sake.
I have not written this for pity, or for applications for a new best friend, but maybe as a prayer request. This is not the first time I have struggled with this but I hope it is the last.
My mind is running and my heart is heavy. I feel spent...
Edited- 10-10-08
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3 comments:
just wanna say you are loved girl! (and i'm also usually always by a phone ;)
i will pray for you hon...
i don't wanna take the limelight away from you but that is exactly how i felt when i lived in the city, so very isolated... and moving out here somehow brightened everything up and changed a lot of things!
Okay I have to delurk myself. I have read your blog a couple times and I think that we used to work together at camp years ago. I'm pretty sure I even stayed at your house for a weekend or two.
I just want to delurk myself because I totally know how you are feeling. I am also a teacher (although I am on mat leave right now), I know what it is like to make goals and feel like you are not achieving them, my phone log looks very similar, and I am trying very hard to be positive.
I don't have any super inspiring words to share but I can tell you you are not alone.
Move to my neighborhood, and you'll be swarmed with wonderful friends! :)
Seriously though...I have gone through times like that too, and it STINKS!!
Wish you could've made it to our girl's night on Saturday.
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